I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
