I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
