Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
