Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
