You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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