I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
so much tequila, so little girl.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
