I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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