What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Your mouth is God's brothel.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
