you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
