he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
