I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
