on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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