It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
