Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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