I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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