sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
