There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
