Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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