It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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