I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
