You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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