Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
