I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize
