So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
