He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
