I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
