I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
