I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
