we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You ruined the universe
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