i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
