My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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