First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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