I hate your face
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
