Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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