i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
