i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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