Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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