mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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