I haven't been this sober since birth.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
