Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
