Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You can't just leave with hair like that
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
