Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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