sarcasm needs its own font
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
