new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
