i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
