this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
