there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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