Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
People in love make me want to vomit
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
