So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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