well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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